Yearning to Know

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

Mid January, 310[break]
The winter chill made his breath fog. The sea glittered in the sunlight as John sat on the dock. Alone at last, he could say. Big things were happening in his pack. Changes. Perhaps it was the right direction. John remembered ushering the weaker Vassals down the twisty paths of the Terra Cliffs to help hand them over to Ash River. He had never questioned his Queen's orders. But now, it seemed like the new leader was going to change things. Humans were becoming a bigger part of the dog's lives, for example. Now there were no Vassals. He didn't know exactly what he was to the pack anymore.
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He looked out at the sea, his light-colored eyes searching for the answers. He knew that they weren't going to come out of the sea. He had sprinted across the grasslands to make it to this fine seaside town. He navigated the streets and moseyed his way to the salt-worn dock. His body itched to go for the hunt, but he had refrained, not because it didn't tempt him, but because he didn't want to disappoint his new pack.
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John had no idea about ethics or morality. He seemed an odd fit for his pack. Built to kill and joining a pack designed to heal. If only he had brought his mother here before she died, then he would know if he belonged here.
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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

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[newclass=".johntitle:hover"]background-color: #6C828B;color: black;[/newclass]

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 330 TAGGED John

Mid January, 310 The winter air slid easily through her thin coat, chilling her with every pass. The thick, salty scent of the sea was carried with it. Thoughts of Goss Mountain filled her mind. It was an easy trip north, walking alongside Mist River until she reached the mountain range. It’d been over a year since the events that lead to her leaving the Northlands. Her father was likely still alone up there. Asher was who knows where doing who knows what. There was a sudden flash of heat. Frustration. Anger. Resentment. They were easy things to feel when her brother just walked away, not caring if their father was left alone in his grief. It would be hilarious if she found him here in Flaxrown, hiding away from his problems and buried in his grief. Part of her couldn’t blame him for his choice. Still, she kept her nose to the ground for any whiffs of his scent. Just one was all she needed. It was a dead end as usual. The streets only carried the smell of fish and salt. There was nothing truly important in this seaside town. Amaryllis wasn’t going to allow that to disappoint her. She would find something to do. Of course she knew of the pack roaming this area. It was wise to keep her head down and go about her business then leave. She had no plans to cause any sort of disruptions. The docks seemed like a safe place to go. She could sit there and think for a while, maybe admire the way the water crashed along the coast. It was far too cold for a swim. Amaryllis trotted down the path until her claws clicked against wood. It creaked here and there, though held steady. She tensed a little, her horned head lifting a bit and she backed up a step when she realized she was not alone out here. ”Ah, excuse me. I didn’t mean to intrude.” Though he looks as if he could use the company... Amaryllis thought to herself as she bowed her head in apology.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

John knew of Amaryllis's approach before he could see her. He heard the sound of her nails clicking on the docks. The creaking of old wood. He felt the suspense rising in his lithe frame. His coiled muscles were ready for the ensuing fight. He could visualize it and went through several scenarios. He could tell that she moved lightly on her feet. That she wouldn't be a dog with a heavy build. It meant his agility would be tested should he attack. He licked his lips, hungry for the kill. He waited for his mother's word so he could know what he was supposed to do. Would she ask him to make it look like an accident? What about if she wanted information from the dog first? "How many times do I have to tell you, John? Don't kill a dog unless I tell you to."
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And then, he remembered. It wasn't a sudden realization. More like an aching reminder. His life had been a tailspin since her death. She had decided everything for him when she was alive. Now that she had died, his life had been aimless. He sighed deeply, lost in his musing that he almost forgot about the intruder. If he couldn't kill without her order, did that mean he couldn't kill this dog? Or now that she was dead, did that mean that rule was null and void? What was it that the pack told him? That usually the right thing was the hard thing? Right now the hardest thing was choosing not to kill her. Perhaps that meant that it was the best choice?
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Next thing he knew, Amaryllis was addressing him. John startled, jumping up, turning in mid-air, and he landed with a heavy thud. Far heavier than what his frame suggested because of his metal reinforced skeleton. One foot actually punched a hole through the old wood, but he didn't lose his balance despite that. He had incredible proprioception due to his training as a youth. His eyes were wide in fear. His eye colors matched, though the pupil of his right eye was a very dark ruby color instead of the normal black. Stupid, stupid. You forgot about the dog. His mother would have told him to keep an eye on her if he was to do so. However, sometimes, all he would have to focus on was the correct moment to ambush for the kill. Nobody was here to order him around. He felt worse for it because she hadn't completely surprised him. He knew of her approach long before she addressed him. Somehow, that made it so much worse.
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The female had soft, pastel blue horns. Esper. John's cybernetic right eye focused in on those horns, honing in and going over-active due to his adrenaline rush to being startled. He jumped into a stance and a small, dark snarl escaped his throat. But then, she politely dipped her head. She wasn't going to hurt him. Honestly, John had been so preoccupied in his thoughts and then so startled that he didn't even absorb the words she had spoken. All he saw was that she was being apologetic. But for what? Did she do something? His eye moved quickly over her features and time seemed to stretch for him. Overwhelmed, he shut his eyes and looked away from her. He opened them again to face the sea. Focused on the horizon. Glittering water under a pale winter sky.
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"S-s-s-suh." He attempted to speak, but a nervous stammer kept his words from flowing. He took a deep breath; his eyes were still on the sea. "I'm, I'm suh-suh-sorry." He felt his body cooling down slightly. His words coming back. He didn't relax and was obviously on edge. "I didn't m-mean, I didn't, I didn't mean to growl at you. And. And... I'm sorry I'm not luh-loooh-looking at you. It's... hard for me." Truth be told, the easy thing was looking very tempting right about now.
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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 336 TAGGED John

Amaryllis flinched, springing back as his paw slammed through the old wood. The wood cracked apart, dropping with a plunk into the water below. She tensed at the sudden growl, her ears flicking back against and the whites of her eyes showing. She hadn’t meant to startle him. Her bright amber eyes stared back into mismatched ones. He looked so frightened. Guilt churned in her belly. If she had known someone else was walking around, she would’ve made her presence known a lot sooner than just now. Amaryllis kept her body low, a sharp whine sounding her throat. His stance was different and the expression on his face was calm. The horns glowed a soft light and she pushed out the mood of calmness into the air. It wasn’t usually her reaction to something like this. Amaryllis kept a tight lock on her powers so she wouldn’t use them on accident or carelessly. She was against using her powers on those who didn’t give full consent and permission. It was something her mother taught her. Espers were quite often coy and great at manipulation. There were enough stories out there about what had happened. “Oh, it’s quite alright. I didn’t think anyone was out here.” Amaryllis licked her lips, gently relaxing her body enough to lift it a little higher. She stepped around the hole he made, nostrils flaring a bit at the smell of salty water wafting up from the hole. Turning her head to him, she gave him a shy smile. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to look if you don’t want to.” Perhaps he went through something similar? Amaryllis hated the tightness in her throat, the way her chest constricted, and the anxious feelings that overcame her over nothing at all. “I’m Amaryllis. It’s nice to meet you, though I wish our meeting wasn’t so…eventful.” She eyed the hole in the dock, though only for a moment. It wasn’t to make the other dog uncomfortable or guilty, just simply pointing out the obvious.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

John's heart still beat quickly and he kept his eyes focused on the horizon. His enhanced eye could see the seabirds miles away, flapping excitedly over a school of foraging fish. He couldn't hear them, so saw them open and shut their beaks in a silenced cacophony. He thought it was almost comical: He was focusing on birds because not killing this lone female was so much harder than killing her. But it was the one thing he knew. And it seemed that, for now, that choice was off the table, but it was getting really, really difficult for him because his anxiety was reaching a boiling point. And then, suddenly, it didn't seem as hard.
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He saw her pale blue horns glowing and realized that she was using one of her powers. It was relief for him. He realized that the reason killing her seemed like such a good idea was simply because he had no idea about how to approach another dog. Befriend them. Interact with them. And that uncertainty made him afraid. He wanted to feel sure. And there was nothing he was more sure about than the only thing he really knew how to do. But she somehow alleviated that tenseness, that anxiety. He was still on edge. But now, he was panting instead of hyperventilating.
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John turned his eyes toward her, this time, he could see her and study her features without freaking out. Of course he was still nervous, but now, it was bearable. He thought she was pretty. With her almond shaped eyes and golden fur. He liked the soft feathering of her ears and tail. John's panting slowed. "Y-y-you did something to me," he said in his tremulous voice, just to tell her that he was aware that this calm was not of his own doing. He took advantage of it, being in the right mind now to speak with the Amaryllis.
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"I'm, I'm John. Sorry. I have a nervous, a uh, nervous st-st-stutter." He could see that she seemed anxious herself. Perhaps she did understand his struggle. But she didn't have that easy escape from the situation, unless she did. He tittered lightly at her attempt of humor to try to put the whole incident of their meeting behind them. To move forward from it. "Yeah... I didn't mean to break the dock." His laughter grew a little bit, but as if he was embarrassed by it, he hushed himself quickly. "S-sorry. Um..." He had a simple request. "What you're doing to me... don't stop just yet."
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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 320 TAGGED John

Amaryllis blinked at him as she caught his gaze. It was nervous, but it didn’t hold that frightening look she saw earlier. That need to protect himself against someone that could possibly harm him. She stayed calm and quiet as she listened to him cool down. Her ears perked up a bit and she let her lips curl into a tiny smile. There was a guilty expression on her face, her brows drawn up as she looked almost sheepish. ”I did though it was by accident.” She would rather admit that she lost control rather than lie to him. There was nothing worse in her opinion. ”You don’t need to apologize for that. It’s quite fine.” Amaryllis wouldn’t have him apologizing for something that was not his control. She was fine with listening to him. She didn’t pity him, though her heart clenched a bit, like he wanted to keep him safe from those that wouldn’t understand. He was grown. He didn’t need to be coddled, but he needed support. Her eyes fluttered shut as she giggled, enjoying the sound of his laughter after a near heart-stopping moment where she was sure he’d attack her. ”Oh…uhm, alright. I’ll continue.” She shuffled a little closer, just enough that she wouldn’t have to extend the reach of the mood manipulation and tire herself out more. Amaryllis was bound to have a headache later, Amaryllis pushed feelings of calmness and relaxation on him, trying to soothe his emotions. ”I hope you don’t mind me standing so close. It makes it a little easier for the both of us.” She wasn’t weak. Not after years of learning from her mother who was skilled at it. Still, Amaryllis was wise not to overwork herself when she didn’t need to push herself to the limit. ”Come out here to think?” She asked, sliding down onto her haunches. A bit of conversation might distract from what happened.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

John couldn't help but lean away from her when she came closer. It was hard for him, to relinquish his personal space in this way, but he knew that it was her powers that he was drawing his artificial calm from and that he needed to heed to her wishes as a token of gratitude. He knew he couldn't have done it without her help, but he soon yielded to her spatial pressure as he got used to it, as he succumbed to her soothing presence. Then, he eased himself upright, taking a deep breath as he did so. And realized that it wasn't as hard as he thought it was going to be. "Actually... I-I-I, uh, I think it's fine." He smiled.
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He knew that it was because of Amaryllis, but it felt good to be able to sit side by side with another dog and speak. He hadn't had that since his family was ruined. He could remember laughing and joking with his brother on their missions and in their training. Life seemed easy then. Why couldn't he recreate that with Amaryllis? With any other dog? He looked at the female. His cybernetic eye reading her, magnifying the features of her face. Taking in every detail. He didn't have this eye when he still lived with his brother. But that was because it was his brother who injured his eye badly enough that it was repaired with enhancements. Perhaps that was another reason why interactions were so hard now.
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John furrowed his brow in worry. "Yeah... I came to think about things. Lots of things. I joined this, uh, this pack and I don't know why I did it. I guess I wanted help. And I thought, uh. Well, I thought it would help m-me." He didn't realize that it was hard to get help for something when the other dogs in the pack didn't even know what he needed help with. He kept too many things hidden away. He didn't reveal enough for them to even pinpoint what was going on with him. "But I think you're helping me now. I'm n-not stutter, uh, stutt-t-t, stuttering as bad and even though I feel like..." He stopped talking, shocked with himself. Perhaps being too calm wasn't so good. He almost let slip that he sometimes felt like killing others. That he had wanted to kill her. "I dunno," John said. "I guess I just felt alone, but it's hard because I don't know how to be around other dogs. Sometimes, I think I'm broken because it looks like it's sup-p-p... supposed to be easy."
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His mother never gave him the opportunity to grow up and it showed. In the pack it showed when he'd forget to eat or take care of himself. He never learned right or wrong. Not really.[break][break]
Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 331 TAGGED John

Amaryllis remained where she was seated. She wasn’t going to make John more uncomfortable than he already was. She cocked her head for a moment, letting her eyes travel. She’s met other Augments before, all of which capable of some astounding things. The hole through the dock was sign enough that John was incredibly strong, capable of protecting himself. It’s been such a long time since she joked with someone like this. Amaryllis spent little time with her father now that she no longer lived in Goss Mountain. And her brother was nowhere to be found. It was nice having an interaction that wasn’t aggressive. ”It might. Only you can know if it’ll truly help or not. If the dogs are good…you may be in good paws.” Amaryllis wasn’t capable of giving advice about packs. She’s avoided them thus far. The dogs could be territorial, aggressive, and violent. She knew it wasn’t like that for every pack, not from the stories her mother and father told. There were those out there that fought for others, fought to protect those who were incapable, and they did what they could to do so. There were also those that manipulated and terrorized. ”Then I’m doing something right, if you feel a little less…however you’re feeling right now." Sometimes going from one emotion to another too quickly was jarring and knocked many off their feet. ”You’re not broken.” Amaryllis spoke, her voice firmer than the soft lilt she usually spoke with. She swallowed and shook her head, peering a little shier at him. ”It’s not always easy interacting with others. You don’t know how they may react or what they’ll say. Some might have an easier time, but with others it just takes time.” It was a scary thing, being around others. Being around other dogs was a stressful thing for some. There was always a wrong way of going about it, but it didn’t help that even the good way ended up in disaster.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

If John told the truth, he'd have to admit that the pack had done nothing wrong to him. It was just that, since his mother's death, he had lived an uncomfortable existence. An adult, yes, in body, but still so childish in his mind. He had never gotten the opportunity to grow up with his mother's iron grip on his life. Even on his moral code. He had none. Was what he was doing, in this moment, right?
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All he knew was that, according to the Knights, killing was wrong. Killing was bad. He shouldn't do it. Even if he really, really, really wanted to. "I think, um, I think I'm okay now." John said. His hazel eyes on her horns. "I shouldn't rely on your powers. I-I, uh, I know that Esp-p-pers shouldn't be using th..." He sighed and centered himself as best he could because he was not working through this sentence very well. Instead, he abandoned the thought for now. He was trying to tell her that he didn't want her to make the air between them calm. That he would rather try it on his own now. Especially with that near miss.
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He cared about her well-being, it seemed like. But it was more that he was afraid that, in his comfort, he'd let his guard down. Tell her things he didn't want her to know. Tell her things he didn't want anybody to know. He was too calm and said, quietly, "Why do you understand? Is it, is, is, is it hard for you, too?" His expression was so easy to read. Hopeful that there might be someone to understand him, at least this part of him. Someone who could be empathetic to the fact that speaking with others made the world come tumbling down. "Mmm, I just don't know what to do. And what I know to do is wrong. So wrong." He shook his head, seemingly tortured by his inner turmoil.

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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 294 TAGGED John

Amaryllis studied him for a moment, before closing her eyes and focusing. It only took a moment before the glow of her horns died down and she offered him a kind smile. ”You’re very considerate.” She offered him a smile and a gentle look. While she was prepared to use her power for an elongated amount of time, it would’ve taken it out of her later. Amaryllis was prepared to curl up in her makeshift den with a headache, perhaps even far worse than that. She knew that he couldn’t use her powers as his crutch to remain calm, he’d have to learn how to handle it on his own. ”Sometimes it can be.” Amaryllis spoke softly, her eyes dropping for a moment. ”Maybe not for the same reasons, but there are times when it feels like…my chest is so tight I can’t breathe and I can’t find the proper words.” She spent a long time overcoming it, seeing as this conversation felt easy for her. There was no reason to think too much about something she was so familiar about or trying to sort through her words to find the right ones. She had no idea what wrongness John was speaking of. It confused her to what he could be talking about, but she wouldn’t push to learn. They’ve only just met. Whatever was going on with him, it was his choice to give that knowledge. ”Then perhaps you just need to learn the right things?”It just took patience and time. Time was finite, but there was always time to get better. To grow. Amaryllis was sure he was capable of it, of learning. She liked to think that everyone was capable of doing something to better themselves if they were willing.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

John felt the fear rising in him again, but this time, he could control his panic. As he had grown somewhat accustomed to Amaryllis's presence. He stepped away from her, finding her body to be close to a suffocating degree. He breathed a little heavier, missing that calm she had brought to him, but afraid of the words he might say when he was that relaxed. He couldn't talk as freely as he wanted to in the same way he did with his brother, Roland, or with his mother. They laughed at the silly stories he told about comical ways he saw dogs die. Or they patted him on the back for coming out on top of a dire situation. But John already knew that Amaryllis wouldn't give him the same understanding.
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This much John knew: The world he had grown up in with his family was vastly different than the one that every other dog lived in. He learned from experience that he couldn't share the exploits of his past. That his history was safer kept under wraps. That he needed to exist as he appeared to her in this moment: A harmless fool. Stripped from the violence that defined him, that was what he was.
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He perked his ears as she spoke, sharing the struggles with anxiety that she had. He kept his eyes averted and realized mid-way through her explanation that the fact that she shared her experience had mitigated some of his own fear. Tenderly, he raised his eyes to see her, as if he doubted her, before dropping his gaze again. His enhanced eye picked up everything in that instance. The way her response mirrored his. Eyes lowered. And he could see the honesty on her face. It brought more weight to what she had said. It made him feel less alone.
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"It, uh, m-makes me feel better that y-you struggle, too." His voice wavered. He didn't mean to make it seem so cold, but he didn't know how to say thank you for sharing that with me in a more polite way. He was more impressed with this concept of empathy. That she shared her own struggle and magically it made him realize that his turmoil wasn't only his to endure. "I suffer, too. I know it's hard," was what he read in her words.
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When she suggested that he just needed to learn to do the right things, he smiled. Perhaps it really was that easy. "I want t-to, to, uh, to learn. This-this pack I'm in. Th-th-th..." he paused, trying to form his words. Almost helplessly, he looked at her before he said, "I wuh, wuh..." He wished that Amaryllis was in his pack. That should the world be too big for him, should he not understand something, he simply needed to bask in the glow of her horns, let her calm him, bring him back down. He wanted her to struggle with him because that sweet taste of empathy was something so foreign to him, yet so comforting.
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"J-join the Knights of Heartland!" He said. "Please. If you, if you want... Only, if, fuh-fuh, if you want." And his plea became less and less adamant until it was barely there, a whisper of a suggestion, as if he were embarrassed to have said such a thing.

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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea

Amaryllis WORD COUNT : 328 TAGGED John

Amaryllis saw him move away and quickly scooted back, wanting to give him the most amount of space. Any dog deserved to feel comfortable even for a small conversation like this. When they met eye to eye, she lowered her gaze a bit. Her eyes flicked back up to John. ”I think most feel comfort in the struggles of other. They know that others out there are going through something similar, a sense of solidarity.” She spoke softly, lashes flickering a bit. Amaryllis knew it could be difficult feeling what others felt or understanding it. Rather than berate John to spit it out, Amaryllis was quiet. She knew it was hard being the only one to speak, to be put on the spot. When he looked at her, she gave him a gentle smile. There was no rush to speak with plenty of time for John to collect his thoughts. She knew of the packs, if that’s what John was trying to convey. There were three if she remembered correctly. Amaryllis knew the mountains were quite close to some pack lands, if not a part of them. Her parents avoided the pack lands as much as possible, keeping to the mountains. ”Knights of Heartland?” She repeated, curious to why she never heard of the pack before. Amaryllis’s front paws shuffled a bit as she thought it over. Her father was all alone up on the mountain, but he didn’t want her there. Not permanently like him. He wanted her to gain happiness out here in the rest of the world. Her brother was nowhere to be seen. What was there to lose by joining the pack? ”I wouldn’t know how to behave in a pack, but it can’t be too different from interacting with singular folk.” She murmured softly, more to herself. ”Maybe…maybe if I met the uhm…leader? Learned more about them and this pack?” Amaryllis wasn’t going to join a pack she didn’t see herself growing in.

pattern (cc) subtlepattern | dog (cc) mateo @ flickr | table coding by Quirky Tea

[googlefont="La Belle Aurore:400"]

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[attr="class","johntitle"]John

all the nightmares came today and it looks as though they're here to stay

John noticed that Amaryllis did small things that helped them both. Eye contact was either gentle or non-existent. It made it easier for John to simply exist, and with the new knowledge that Amaryllis had somewhat of the same anxiety, he felt a little bolder. Like she understood him. He felt less pressured to try to force his words out and, consequently, that made his words flow somewhat easier. Interaction. Honest-to-goodness interaction.
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He remained shy, but felt himself warming up to her gentle presence. The ocean waves crashing provided soothing music that calmed his racing heart as well. And the horizon provided a comforting constant for him to look towards when her gaze made him feel soft and weak. He looked towards her with a sad expression. He hadn't meant to make her uncomfortable, but he was still hopeful that she seemed to be considering it. Joining a pack with him.
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And then he could perhaps learn how to interact with others. Perhaps he could learn how to approach others without scaring them off. That he could be a dog. Not a weapon. That he could maybe erase his history and start anew. And somehow, he had hung all of this on whether Amaryllis wanted to come into the pack that he had stumbled upon. He wasn't even sure how he came to choose this pack. It was a little bit due to its reputation, but mostly due to the fact that he had found himself in this place and let himself live here.
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"Y-yes!" There was an honest, silver-toothed smile that lit up his entire expression. "Please come with me t-t-to the pack lands. I hope you like it. It used to be the Flaxrown K-kingdom. But there was a, uh, change of hands." His voice was slowly getting less trembling. But there would always be a touch of nervousness to him unless he was in his element. Unless he was fully comfortable in his skin. And being here, with Amaryllis by the ocean was so foreign to him.

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But he had to admit it was a little nice, too.

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Amaryllis

Pattern (cc) Evan Eckard @ DinPattern.com | table coding by Quirky Tea